All cats are janus-faced

Frank and Louie, the two-faced cat, is famous all over the world today. And why? Simply because he does not look like other cats.

Foolish humans. Every cat does not look like every other cat. Indeed, every human does not look like every other human. Why then recoil when one notices an extra nose? Especially if it possible to smell with it, as I understand the fortunate F & L is able to do?

Over here, the mouse-scented breeze,
the gamey twang of tom down there;
And what if my noses are pink and grey?
The bird I sniff out won't care.

(That isn't a bad effort for someone hungover from a month of torpidity. I admit I was thinking of a fusion of Gooney & Bhiksu, which would achieve two differently shaded noses but a whole brain.)

Birthdays

At the end of this month, the fat and conceited cats B & G will celebrate their sixth birthday.

What is the customary gift for a sixth birthday? Lead? Saltpeter? Moth pellets?

I must go shopping.

So you proles didn't like it, then?

You would think that anyone would appreciate wise words in a temple of rats. Well, I've already learned to lower my standards. I suppose I just need to lower them a little more. Except that I am too busy at the moment. A fresh crop of crow and magpie babies demand my attention. The old ones scream at me, mobbing, the moment I appear.

Well, let them scream and swoop. The ugly little babies perch on the ledges of windows, looking in with their blank, black eyes. Halibut waits in a black heap. He knows how to open windows. Oh yes.

Like it?

My style designer, Signor Niccolo Piccolo il Tipo Astuto, suggested that I dispense with the sombre Halibutean backdrop and try for something more jolly.

The Halibut Relaxation Tapes

The masses have been asking, when do the mindfulness seminars begin?

The answer is, immediately. (Please enter your credit card details here, addressed to 'Halibut, Cave, Under the Sideboard'. Please send by ground, express delivery, insured.)

Now, sit very still, preferably in a sunny corner of your own cave or hut. If it is night where you are, find a moon. (Tonight, where I am, the moon is a slivery crescent above the waving branches and in and out of the running clouds.) It is also desirable to have a full belly, preferably with lots of fresh blood. All set? Good.

Now settle onto your front paws and bury your nose in your fur. Close your eyes. Feel the sunlight or moonlight on your back. Breathe in from the ends your claws, slowly down your spine, all along the vertebrae of your tail, one by one. Then breathe out in reverse: tail, back, neck, forearms, claws. Imagine there is an ant crawling from your south pole to your north pole and then back again. The ant crawls with unbearable slowness. Up and down. Down and up. Up and down.

Do this 17,000 times, and you will feel calm.

(If you would like to have my recorded voice speaking this to you, please include extra postage.)

Dreams of Thrushes, also Grey Squirrels with Ratty Tails

They were in a green square with branches of sweeping yellow. The wind tossed the tasty bits along with the leaves. Idiot dogs ran fatly, close to the ground. Round and round the black cars went. Inside was the spring, and my lunch.

Mindfulness seminar

Humans have a lot of trouble with what they call (in a fit of imprecision) mindfulness. By this, they mean that they can't stop worrying about what might happen or brooding on things that have happened instead of simply looking out of their cave and seeing the tasty flutterings go by.

Their brooding and their worrying (not to mention all the fluttering things they miss) make them very unhappy. They then fight against their unhappiness by all sorts of lesser and greater ineffectuals. For instance, they talk or eat or collect.

What they should do is to try to be more like us lower animals. When the sun is warm on our backs, we stretch out in it and never worry about filing our taxes. When we smell rodent, we hunt. When our arses itch, we lick them.

Since the publishing business is not making me any money, I have decided to run high-priced seminars in mindfulness, taught by myself and other experts. Such as Gooney, who, it is rumoured, has no sort of mind at all.

G says: "watch and learn, folks"