Sunday, November 28, 2010

Table Manners

My international spy network informs me that big black cats have been seen in the unpronounceable hills of Pembrokeshire. Sheep have been eaten. "Was it you, Halibut?" a self-righteous broccoli-eater asked me on my Facebook page. (See his self-promoting video here: Catbrat eats cruciferous veg. Unfortunately, I cannot unfriend him, since he has a rare letter from Hodge to Johnson and has half-promised that I might publish it.)

No it was not me. After my glorious summer travels along seabird-gravied seacoasts, I have been fasting in the fastnesses of the prairies. Nor do I believe in a race of super-Halibuts in Wales.

Still, I rotate my ears in the direction of "Mark Fraser, founder of the research group British Big Cats Society." Someone told Mr Fraser about a dead sheep or two. Mr Fraser, upon hearing about the dead sheep, said: "Without examining the carcass itself, it's impossible to be 100 per cent certain that a big cat is responsible for these killings."

"However," continued Fraser, "The way the predator has peeled back the skin of the sheep to eat the flesh is very much a cat trait - only cats do that."

Oh yes, Mr Fraser. We felines all carry around potato-peelers on our belts. At the slightest provocation, we whip them out to peel our prey -- like a spud! like a banana! -- before feasting on the gelid goodness beneath.

Sheep Farmers of Wales! Beware of Halibuts! Be on the watch for their characteristic spoor!