Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Just another Aeluroid lowering around

All around are enemies. No matter if the day is bright, the snow gleaming. They are there, just behind the fence, waiting and watching.

But I too know how to watch and wait. My huge brain, moreover, stuffed tight into the small space of my feloid skull, bursts with cunning and malicious patience. Forget the failed schemes to bring health, sanity, and culture to the stupid masses. My specialty is killing stuff.

Did you know that the mongoose and the hyena belong to my superfamily? How about yours? Any killers in your family?

Me?

Saturday, May 26, 2012

Fishmongering

Is your brain not big enough, Halibut?
For its brain-and-agility embiggening effects, I have embarked on a week of eating fish. And where might you catch fish, Halibut? At the bottom of the garden? Under the hedge, perhaps? Maybe fishlings cavort with the elusive mouse under the deck.

I confess that these are not wild, claw-caught fishes. In fact, I have been purloining from the humans who have some source of their own. If the local birdbath had inhabitants other than mosquito larvae, I could ask Gooney and Bhiksu for tribute. Why should they not use their unusual webbed feet for a change?

The fare is, I admit, a little bland, if maddeningly healthful. So I have developed some excellent recipes. Here is one:

1. Open the fridge with your paw and remove a filet from its wrapping of waxed paper. Feel free to tear the paper ad lib.
2. Drag into a corner of your cave.
3. Roll well in mouse droppings.
4. Serve at once.

Since all of my entrepreneurial offerings have met with resolute lack of taste and interest, I am loathe to consider re-opening Halibut's Fish Restaurant. But a private dining club perhaps?

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Mouse on Deck

I should say that the mouse is climbing on, up, and under the deck. To give Gooney his due, he sat under the steps for a very long time. It was hot. I pointed out to him that his gently swishing tail was giving him away as he he was sitting on a bed of dry, crunchy leaves.

It may be that G is of a mind to take up his apprenticeship once again. I shall advise him later on the stupidity of mice. (Contra the besotted video of my previous posting.) Mouse may not understand that the wooden latticework which keeps large bodies from under the deck nonetheless allows the Goon a certain reach of paw and talons.

And Delicate says that Halibut is a pessimist. Nonsense: it is optimism that is the last, best vice of the leaders of the animal world. No matter how scarce the prey, how dim the predator, we hope for blood.

Thursday, May 10, 2012

World's smartest and most agile mouse, you say?

Why are we all demotivated? Look at THIS.




Mouse dressage. It's obscene.

Rivals

It is already May in the great grey city, and I do not think the crab tree will bloom this year. It sprouted a little thin mouse a few weeks ago, but I have not seen him lately. Maybe Orange Charlie got him. I doubt that Little G did: he disappoints me.

The prey seems to disappear fast, and yet the cats are lazy. If you ask me, it's the Corvids moving in. I saw a big, black one up on the roofline, shuffling uneasily, humping his glossy shoulders. Down below, a magpie tore at the skin of a baby hare. Where did he find the nest? Could it be that I am losing my touch?


Monday, April 30, 2012

Poms

In a quiet house, Gooney and Bhiksu found a dusty, blue pompom. It did not realize that its days of peace and safety were over. When the humans returned, they fished out one of the favoured yellow ones. Gooney made them smile as he pranced and leapt like Barishnikov.

The prancing cat Gooney is no Prince Siegfried.
He skidded across the kitchen floor and ended up in front of the small dark passage beside the dishwasher. Extending his hairy white arms into the gap, he flopped his hindquarters in an unseemly imitation of a flat fish like this one.

Bhiksu can make all the excuses he wants. It's not good practice for mice. It made me grind my teeth.

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Myself and other Great Artists

My devotion to the arts is well known to my near neighbours, but in this I am not alone. Many feles domestici are great makers and appreciators of all variety of Kunstwerke -- to be found in gardens, under bushes, in boots, and squelching under your toes as you head downstairs to make your dawn cup of coffee. Our creations are to be seen, smelt, heard, savoured. Open your ears and hear our derisive silence or howls: it's all music.

Even technology serves our art. Mr Lee and his Catcam have inspired a new school of the feline photographic arts, combining an appreciation of the outdoors and the underbellies of still-warm vehicles. He and his disciples capture the elusive experiences of grass-stalking, leaf-brushing, glowering, snuffling, drinking from stagnant pools, staring at cows in the distance. If you don't believe me, have a look. A retrospective is eagerly anticipated.

Mr Lee and the Means to his Art

Friday, April 20, 2012

Qui nunc it per iter tenebricosum

The indifferent clouds scud across the sky, a breezy day in this normally stagnant city. Why the exhilaration, tasty sparrows? You may exult as the gusts buffet you upwards. But wait wait. Halibut has been climbing and clings to a swaying branch. My jaws are quivering, little sparrows. And so is the branch: so hurry up, idiot passeres, and fly into my mouth.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Travels of the Goon

In a bag.
Under the steps. In a book case. In the towel cupboard. Under the sink. In the dryer, if he might. If miniaturization were possible, between the CDs or along the top of a row of novels. Under a bush. Under a chair draped with clothing, standing in for a bush. Beneath the duvet (don't jump on it). Maybe the oven is possible? The fridge an even more dangerous possibility. Inside the big bag of cat litter. Inside the small plastic basket which has the harness, jingle jingle. Into the treehouse yes! Over the gate. Through the hedge. Into Pat's garden and under her deck. A skunk lives there sometimes.

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Halibut's School of Prey Play and Execution

Hmm. I don't know if G is going to develop his new career. On the one hand, he's been looking conspicuous in the vicinity of small dark spaces. On the other hand, I caught him taking effete delight in a little supper of seethed chicken hearts and avocado yesterday evening. (At least he did not descend further into PASTA, which is a human invention of loathsome farinaceousness, resembling cross-sections of intestinal worms.)

Don't turn on the shredder, Gooney.
I have been thinking of sending some small fluttery thing into shock so I can give G some practice. I know, you are thinking: "What's got into Halibut? Why is he turning all warm and benevolent?" Or, "Do you think you are G's mother?"

Well, G's mother (Angel Eyes Xotic Lilac Liberty if you can believe it) evidently did not do her job. Too busy trying to remember her name to feed the little runt, let alone teach him to slay. I don't like to see talent wasted. Even the miscroscopic talents of the Goon.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Gooney gets back his cohones

Well done, my boy! Now on to rats.